"The Long Defeat"

So I promise I will someday publish another post about what is going on. I have fallen into the silence that usually comes when I am overwhelmed. I am not journaling, I cannot write to save my life, I keep the conversations around me light. I am quieter than usual (it is possible). But things will clear and I will be able to articulate all I cannot right now. I think it is trying to hold back the floodgates, one more day of superficiality keeps me from facing all that is within I do not want to feel.

I am home, in VA again! (woo hoo!) seeing people, getting ready to make the trek back to CO next week. No jet lag to report, no culture shock really. Just a feeling of being home and yet leaving something close to me. I miss Rwanda, though I do love fall in DC, it's like a good friend, a warm blanket, the perfect morning...

I keep singing "The Long Defeat" by Sara Groves. It is an amazing song, my heart song at the moment. So I leave you with her words, which express what I cannot..

I have joined the long defeat, that falling set in motion.
All my strength and energy are raindrops in the ocean

So conditioned for the win, to share in victor's stories,
but in the place of ambition's din I have heard of other glories

And I pray for an idea and a way I cannot see.
It's too heavy to carry and impossible to leave

I can't just fight when I think I'll win, that's the end of all belief,
and nothing has provoked it more than a possible defeat

And I pray for an idea and a way I cannot see.
It's too heavy to carry and impossible to leave

We walk a while, we sit and rest, we lay it on the altar.
I won't pretend to know what's next, but what I have I've offered

And I pray for an vision and a way I cannot see.
It's too heavy to carry and impossible to leave

And I pray for inspiration and a way I cannot see.
It's too heavy to carry and impossible to leave